A young couple are making out in their car in a graveyard when all of a sudden they are set upon. The mysterious creature quite literally rips the car doors off, disposes of the man and drags the girl to a grave where he has his wicked way... Now I suppose after terrorising the planet for aeons, it was bound to happen sooner or later and so - a son is born and is suckled by his mother's blood until we spool on a few years and meet "James" (William Smith). Aware of his progeny, he has determined to track down and destroy his paternal beast and after some searching for a man who has changed identities many times, he alights on "Croft" (Michael Pataki). Can he defeat this powerful and malevolent foe before all before him become terminally covered in raspberry sauce? This is just one vampire film too far, I'm afraid. The acting and writing - such as they are - are truly terrible, with Smith making Bela Lugosi look animated. It is only ninety minutes but it really seems longer as it drags along drearily before concluding with a twist that could have, worryingly, screamed sequel had I not more faith in humanity. It's not even crass or funny, it's just poor.

Like Schindler's List... but with cheap makeup and vampire tropes. YEAAASSSSSSSW